I could do this all year. I almost certainly will not.
Last week I gave you three of my favourite sentences from The Mabinogion. Today I bestow upon you the ones I find funniest, once again from Lady Charlotte Guest’s translation.
And thenceforth they made strong the friendship that was between them, and each sent unto the other horses, and greyhounds, and hawks, and all such jewels as they thought would be pleasing to each other.
Pwyll and Arawn being pen-pals in the story titled Pwyll Prince of Dyved.
I don’t know how I got queer-baited by a 19th Century translation of this medieval romance (as in the genre of chivalric romance, not of people falling in love), but I got queer-baited super hard here. These two guys met, had a very quick enemies-to-friends conversation with a sunshineXgrump dynamic that is exactly my thing, then decided to trade places so one of them could kill a dude. Then they switched back and just, you know, kept sending one another pretty things they thought the other would like…
I knew that this wouldn’t go where I was hoping it might go, but I was still disappointed when Pwyll sees a woman on a horse and goes after her instead of Arawn, who is clearly his soulmate (cough Stede cough Aziraphele cough). It all goes downhill from there so far as I’m concerned.
We need a queer retelling of this story, please. Someone bring my ship home.
As for the sentence itself, I find these long run-on lists oddly pleasing to read, and enjoy learning about what people considered valuable at the time. I send my friends little drawings, or else buy them cosmetics in video games we play together. These two straight-up send one another live animals and jewellery, and I am all for it.
The third plague was, that however much of provisions and food might be prepared in the king’s courts, were there even so much as a year’s provision of meat and drink, none of it could ever be found, except what was consumed in the first night.
Description of a plague from the story titled Here is the Story of Lludd and Llevelys.
This just makes me chuckle. The ten plagues in the bible are stuff like rivers of blood, dead livestock, disease and locusts. What do we consider a plague in The Mabinogion? Food in this one castle weirdly keeps going missing if we don’t eat it quickly enough. Truly earth-shattering stuff.
I’d like to cheat a bit and follow-up with what we later discover is happening to all this food:
The cause of the third plague is a mighty man of magic, who take thy meat and thy drink and thy store. And he through illusions and charms causes every one to sleep.
So this awful plague is… a guy stealing food from a castle while everyone’s asleep. What a plot twist! I know there’s probably some translation/time/context reason for using the word plague to describe this in the book, but I don’t care. I am enjoying it.
While we’re at it, let’s take a look at the suggested cure for this terrible plague upon the land:
Therefore it is needful for thee in thy own person to watch thy food and thy provisions. And lest he should overcome thee with sleep, be there a cauldron of cold water by thy side, and when thou art oppressed with sleep, plunge into the cauldron.
Pahahaha! “Someone’s nicking your food, so watch your food, alright?” Amazing. Really glad we consulted a third party to get this information, or we might never have known!
Also, life hack: when thou art oppressed with sleep, plunge into the cauldron. Although I, personally, am never oppressed with sleep. I joyfully accept it at all times.
And whiter was her skin than the bloom of crystal, and her hair and her two eyebrows were blacker than jet, and on her cheeks were two red spots, redder than whatever is reddest.
Peredur meets a scantily dressed lady, from the story titled Peredur the Son of Evrawc
This is, in my opinion, one of the funniest sentences ever written. Skin whiter than the bloom of crystal – I don’t know what a bloom of crystal is, but it’s shiny and beautiful for sure. Hair and two eyebrows (gotta specify that there isn’t a unibrow situation going on) blacker than jet. That’s pretty darn black. Thanks Charlotte, for these evocative and specific descriptions.
And then… redder than whatever is reddest. Like, you know, whatever you can think of that’s really red. I can’t think of anything just now, so just… whatever’s reddest. Shrug. The original manuscript probably has a note-to-self in the margin: think of something really red to go in here.
As an aside, what I find genuinely quite interesting is the sentence that comes before that one:
And she had an old garment of satin upon her, which had once been handsome, but was then so tattered, that her skin could be seen through it.
Saucy or what?! Goodness me!
We call out twentieth-century male fantasy authors for their elven armour bikinis, but I have questions for Lady Charlotte Elizabeth Guest…
I cheated a bit this time, so there’s a few more than three sentences. Hope you enjoyed this follow-up trip into the heart of chivalry. Next week we’re taking a look at another favourite of mine: Black Narcissus.
Non Hughes 
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